So I finished my x and + quilt. I am absolutely in love with how it turned out. Even the husband approves--it's his favourite quilt.
Here it is.
The quilt is backed in a cream minky/cuddle type fabric from Joann. I quilted the entire thing with concentric circles from the center. It took F-O-R-E-V-E-R. But I absolutely love the result. Here is a close up.
This quilt, while being a ton of work and absolutely beautiful, is so much more to me than usual.
I was diagnosed with post-partum anxiety nearly a year ago. It was one of those moments in my life that hits you like a truck while simultaneously being the furthest thing from a surprise. I was cognizant of the fact that I didn't feel well but definitely wasn't self aware enough to think that anything out of the ordinary was going on. It was also one of those moments where I felt like the universe was looking out for me. I had booked a routine physical with my GP, mostly because I had already hit my out of pocket max for the year after having a baby in March, so I figured 'why not?'. I called for my appointment and I wasn't able to get in for a few weeks, which probably ended up being for the best, because I got worse. I think if I had gone in October when I first called, it wouldn't have been caught.
Instead I went in November. I could barely drive on my way--my heart was racing and my hands were shaking. I didn't really pay attention. This was a daily occurance at this point.
Most of the time, I just felt generally uneasy. Frequently, for absolutely no reason at all, my heart would start racing and my hands would shake. I had other symptoms that I did not realize were related at all until they disappeared. I would have insane temperature swings. Meaning that I would wake up, put on socks, sweats, a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt and sit under a blanket on the couch trying to warm up and then an hour later be peeling off the layers and repeating this process all day long. I thought my thermostat was broken and made my husband look at it multiple times.
My arm was incredibly sore. I thought that I had slept on it wrong one night, but it just kept getting worse. All the way from my shoulder to my fingertips, my arm was sore and numb. My husband and I got a new mattress. Still sore. I would use heat, advil, and sit with it propped on pillows trying to hold it still for it to recover. Still sore. I would have hot showers and try to rub the knots in my shoulder and arm out for hours. Still sore. It would wane to be more bearable, but it was always bugging me. This went on for at least 6 weeks before my fateful appointment with the doctor.
My appetite was all over the place. I would go nearly a week only eating one meal a day and then have a day where I couldn't ever eat enough. I would be nauseated and bloated after eating a few saltines but then then next day sit down and eat an entire box of oreos like it was nothing. It was a crazy time.
It was a dark time for me and my family. We are lucky though--we came out on the other side. My kids had a few months of way too much screen time and questionable nutrition but we seem to have made it through relatively unscathed. I am and always will be a different person now but I like to think its for the better. I would gladly go back and not have to deal with that time, but I am grateful for the added empathy it gave me. A few of my roughest corners were knocked off and I learned to be much better about asking for and accepting help.
And now I have this quilt to show for it. After I started my medication and started to feel better, this was the very first project I wanted to get back to. So I did. And it turned out even better than I could have ever imagined. I also am reminded every time I see it that things get better. The darkness doesn't have to last forever--there are ways out. I actually started this post nearly 6 months ago but didn't finish it until now. It's always a process. There are good days and bad days. But things are better. Sometimes even good.
